Ok, so I know I already posted today, but I have to share this:

The DMV sucks. We all know this. Endless waiting, the roar of little children crying and running amuck, the sound of the computer voice calling out numbers acting as a constant reminder that there are still twenty-one people in front of you....it SUCKS!

But not today. Today I had the funnest time I have ever had at the DMV, ever!!! At first it was the same old thing. Get a number from the desk, find a seat next to someone who doesn’t look sick and sit down and wait. Well, this time I didn’t have to sit next to anyone.

And then comes Portfilio. Yes, his name was Portfiliio. He was a Mexican guy, 23 years old, heavy set guy. Now at first I didn’t say anything to Portfilio. He was tattooed everywhere and looked like he had spent some time in the Pin. He sat next to me, looked at my number and then stared forward. I was bored, so after about ten minutes, I started making casual conversation, like I do with everyone. Well, turns out he HAD spent some time in the Pin. We started talking about his Jail experiences. He started telling me all these stories about what went on, what it was like, etc. He was in there for car theft. Numerous counts. And numerous times, I might add. Now, although this does not seem funny, as the afternoon progressed, I was laughing so hard I almost peed my pants. He began to tell me about his “cellmates.” What they were in there for, etc. He told me about running into an old neighbor who was locked up for throwing a frozen corn dog at his wife. He told me about accidently being confused with another Portfilio and placed on the sixth floor with the murderers and rapists and how he didn’t sleep for three days until they realized that they had him mixed up. He also gave me some pointers about jail life. How you should invest the money on your books in bags of coffee cause you can auction it off for fifteen items and you can save a lot of money this way. Items include ramen noodles, mustard packets, candy, etc. He explained to me how the auctions worked. A lot more organized than I assumed. It’s kind of like a form of ebay. They write bids on a piece of paper, put them in a sock and start pulling them out of the sock. The highest bid wins. (Meaning the highest number of “items” to be traded for the prize) He said you can make $20.00 go a long way. Now, all of this may still not seem very funny, but every time he would talk about it, he would laugh. Now, this guy was probably 6'2" and 350lbs. He was NOT a small guy. Well, his laugh was that of a four year old child. Seriously. It was the funniest thing. He kept telling stories and laughin’ and everyone around us was cracking up cause he would start laughing. By the time I left, there was probably twenty people who had all turned their chairs and were listening to our conversation. He went on to tell me about the cars he had stolen, and the “spreads” he would eat while locked up. Now, the spreads....eewww....it sounds nasty. You take a ramen noodle soup and crunch up the noodles, still dry, add a little water, tie the bag in a knot and throw it in the microwave. After the noodles are a little cooked, you drain the water, add a couple pieces of bologna, some government cheese and a couple mustard packets. Mix it all up and you got a tasty snack. No, I am totally serious. And the guy was like, “They are so good, dude, you don’t even know.” It was frickin’ hilarious.
Well, after about two hours of pure laughter and jokes, and stories between Portfilio and I, we started to get a little bored. We resorted to Paper, Rock, Scissors which caused even more hysteria to erupt from our spectators. We told every joke we could think of and shared some funny personal stories. He had told me about his friend who got locked up for throwing the frozen corn dog, so I shared my story about the time that my mom beat me with frozen bacon. It was so hilarious. Everyone was cracking up. Especially Portfilio, who’s laugh caused a few snorts and stomach grabs by myself and other viewers. Even the staff was laughing. We had waited so long by then, that I think we were literally going a little crazy. We had a few visitors come and join our group from across the room. An old man named Jerry who was probably about 70, shared a story about his wife who, in anger, tried to throw a phone at him. In doing so, the receiver snapped back from the chord and nailed her right in the eye!! He said he’d never seen a worse black eye!! We had all sorts of visitors.

Finally, the computer voice was getting close to our numbers. I was so frustrated that I told Portfilio that when they called my name, I was going to jump up, scream, “BINGO!!” and run across the room to the window. He started laughing again, along with everyone else and they all were into it. As it got closer and closer, I started getting more nervous. I was B157. They were on B151. On no. Portfilio was G129 and they were on G120. I told Porftilio that if they called his number first, that he had to scream Bingo. At first he was reluctant, but finally he agreed. So, with all of our witnesses, we made the deal and shook on it. (Well, we didn’t really shake, we did that fist to fist thing where you knock your fists together once on top and once on bottom. You know what I mean.) So, the rest of the time was just anticipation. Everyone was rooting us on. (Well, everyone on our side of the building.) Every time they would say a B or G number, everyone was like, “OH MAN!!!” It was so hilarious. We were cracking up so hard. All of the sudden, they called B155, then quickly, B156. I was like, “NOOOO!!!!” So, everyone is there waiting. I grab my purse to get ready to face my shame!! About five minutes passed and we heard G127. Then quickly G128. No way!!! We both were one away!!! Everyone was laughing so hard. Some were cheering for him, and some for me. We waited and waited. Every time the computer would start to speak, we would get all nervous. F043.....A112......J168.......G129!!!
HA HA HA HA HA!!!!! I quickly looked at Portfilio, who had a look of defeat furrowed in his brow. He quickly jumped up, all eyes watching....”BINGO!!!!!!” He shouted and ran to the window. Everyone cracked up so hard. I totally thought I was going to pee!!!

HA HA HA HA HA......

You know what’s even funnier? Right after they called him, they called my number. HA HA. Everyone was like, “AAAHHHHH!!!” It was hilarious.

So, that was my experience. I saw Portfilio as I was leaving, and bid him goodbye.

That was definitely the most fun I’d ever had at the DMV!!